Thirty?

Today is the eve of my 30th birthday...and it's weird. I don't worry about getting older, I really don't. In fact, my mom has always said that every decade older is just better and better. I love that. I embrace that. I always figured that by the time I was in my thirties, I might have things figured out just a little better and might have a little more order to my life. My twenties were a blur really. I was trying to figure out how to be a mother, a wife, start a career....all of which I knew nothing about. So, my twenties were spent learning. A lot. I struggled. I really failed in many ways. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would certainly make a few necessary adjustments. Wouldn't we all?
What I can say about turning 30 is that I feel like I'm in a weird place....like between dimensions or almost on the outside looking in. This morning, the boys and I went to Centerton Inn for some bear cakes (Coop's favorite!) and on the way the Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" song came on. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Cody is 10 and Cooper is 5 - it didn't take long at all. A couple of blinks of an eye and I no longer have little babies crawling around, needing their diapers changed, teething, bottles, learning to walk - I could go on and on. I no longer have a little baby named Cody with casts on his legs and a colostomy bag (that was harder than hell to change!). He was such a pretty baby. Such soft features. I no longer am having my father-in-law swaddle him up because no one does it better. I no longer am sitting with an OT learning how to give baby massages and how to roll up blankets to prevent pressure points from his casts. Nor am I freaking out because I put the boy in the car seat and didn't buckle the car seat in the car and drove to Walmart. That first time momma time. It is glorious and scary and now that I look back, it is down right funny. It is a little sad, but also humorous. The second time around, I felt more scared. I knew how to handle a baby with medical needs. I had no idea what to do with this baby that just was funny from the moment he entered the world. He was huge, the chubbiest cheeks ever. His long hippie hair. Cooper was born so inquisitive, so strong but so sensitive. Cooper was such a good baby for me because he showed me what he needed. I never had to guess. He is still like that today. I'm so thankful for that. He is a breath of fresh air - he stops to smell the flowers so to speak. He loves to live and I love that about him.

It is so strange. I will be thirty on July 21st, 2013 and I have children. Now, I have to pause, close my eyes and think back to Cody and Cooper's 'babyhood'. It doesn't just naturally flow like it used to because memories are so full with boy stuff versus baby stuff. 4-wheelers, school, sports, homework. When and how did that happen?!
We are done (well, most likely) with having children. Although, I could be pregnant a million times over and I could love a million more little Jensen babies....D says he is perfectly content. And I honestly am too. I think my once-in-a-while desire to have another child is simply to relive babyhood over again (and the fact that Cody asks Jesus pretty regularly for a little sister and now Cooper is on the bandwagon). I am overjoyed during pregnancy and the astonishing, amazing, unreal, out-of-this-world reality that I can grow a human being...my body made two people that I cry every time I think about them and how much my heart loves them and that these two people will have an impact on the world....it's miraculous. My twenties were jam packed with a lot of 'life' that I feel like I didn't savor every single breath like I should have. I didn't have maternity pictures. I didn't take enough pictures and videos to be able to go back and really feel  those moments again. To prove that we were here. We were there. That blip in time. In history. That...scares me.That each moving phase of the C's life will be full of so many memories that I might not be able to remember and feel the previous phases as I want to. If I had one wish, it would be able to go back and revisit moments of their lives. Just to be able to go back and rock them and sing to them and gently put them in their crib. Those moments were the very best of them all.
And now I sit back and watch my friends and loved ones beginning to start their journey into parenthood and it makes my heart overflow with this crazy-weird set of emotions. I'm so emotional for them and just pray that they each take every moment, big and small and breathe it in and live it and love it. It won't be like this for long. In a second, you won't be snuggling a snoozing baby on your chest, smelling the sweet baby smell. Instead, you will be standing back, letting them drive their little Razor down to the dairy farmers house all on their own or your 5 year old will dress himself and that will include Cars PJ pants, a white tee shirt like his daddy, camo snow boots and his Superman cape because he honestly believes in Superheroes and he really wanted you to name him Tony Stark because he believes he is a Superhero and you'll tell him he really is. And in those moments you'll let two tears drop. One because you're so proud that they're growing up and you're having the pleasure of a front row seat and the other because just yesterday you were rocking them to sleep.
That is all I will miss of my twenties. The boys' babyhood. I mourn for that. But, I will love my thirties because I will be watching the C's turning into young men. Then my forties....seeing them as men. Wow. And it will all be here before I even know it.
I guess it isn't that weird after all. I suppose my parents and grandparents would laugh because they've felt that and generations before them and so on and so on. I guess that is life and that is parenthood. Beautiful and painful all in one crazy emotion. 

Oh God, I thank you so very, very much for the blessings of living this life and loving these crazy, crazy boys! That is always the most perfect birthday gift.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Lay'n there in bed listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It's gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later 'bout four-thirty
She's crawling in there bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

One day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times you'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the isle
And he'll raise her vale
But right now she up and cry'n
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long

I know you've heard the song, but now is a really good time to stop and listen to it. Go ahead, I provided a link to YouTube. 

http://youtu.be/y5zCaRaJ-kE