Cooper...

Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder, Combined Presentation
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Social Anxiety Disorder - Deferred
Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode, Mild Deferred

I've been staring at this all day long. Let me back up a little bit.

Derrick and I knew from very early on that Cooper would likely struggle with focusing, attention, sitting still, and so on. I mean, if you know Derrick and I, you wouldn't be surprised. D and I loved school, but only as a means to be social. When Cooper was 3, his daycare teacher stopped me one morning and asked me if I had thought about having Cooper tested for ADD. I replied by asking her how old she was (18), how many children she had (none) and what was her degree in (she didn't have one). Hmm. Great...so we won't have this conversation again. :) Cooper is an AMAZING child. He is incredibly handsome and when he wrinkles his nose and pulls his shoulders up and lets out a giggle....my heart nearly explodes with love and admiration. He is silly. He is funny. He is CREATIVE and his imagination brightens my every waking moment. He is an All-American boy that can tell you about every tractor, truck and super hero possible and his favorite sentences start with, "Hey, what if I were a....." He loves his momma. He loves to cuddle and he loves to give me big hugs and then play with my hair. He loves to go to work with his Daddy and talk him into letting him drive the "Little Bobcat". He wants to be a 'worker' when he grows up, just like his Daddy. He never wants to marry, however, because girls absolutely terrify him.
But Cooper is struggling. He is struggling in school. It is nearly impossible for him to sit and focus and understand what is going on and even harder for him to complete tasks such as reading and writing. But, the child can drive a tractor like he has been doing so for 50 years. But he can't color inside the lines or write his numbers to 25. He CAN. Cooper absolutely CAN do those things...but I guess the right thing to say is that this fog...this cloud of confusion....is hindering Cooper busting through and being the Cooper that I know is in there. Cooper is sweet. He is never malicious or cruel. He wants to be loved and he wants to love. He wants to play super heroes with all of his buddies and he wants to climb trees and drive tractors. But his confidence is dwindling day by day. Things are coming out of his mouth like,
Mom, I tried so hard to be good today but my brain just wouldn't let me.
Mom, the girls at school told me that my coloring was so ugly. Why are they so mean to me?
Mom, I am just stupid. I can't write as good as everyone else so I'm just going to quit.
Mom, my stomach hurts so bad like I'm going to throw up.
Mom, I was trying to stand in line between Sally and Sue like I'm supposed to but Sally pushed me down and when I fell, I hit another kid and I got in trouble. Why didn't Sally get in trouble for pushing me?
Mom, I want to play with my friends at recess.
Mom, I can't learn these words.
Mom, I am just not good at school.

I just die inside. I just die. He is rapidly losing his spark...the things that make him so, so special. The emotional toll that ADD/ADHD takes on a child is huge. Coop is so self-conscious. He worries until his stomach hurts. He is terrified of being singled out and being 'outed' for not understanding. No one wants that for their child. Coop deserves to shine like the bright kid that he honestly is. So, he and I met with Dr. Lawson (I highly recommend him, by the way!) and did a lot of talking. Coop is so honest, he laid it all out for the doc. Fast forward to today, Derrick and I sat across from Dr. Lawson as he explained so beautifully all of the things going on with Cooper. I knew this day would come. Nothing Dr. Lawson said was shocking or surprising to me. Yet, I got in the car and the tears just started pouring. Mostly for Cooper and how he feels and my God if I could take those feelings of worry and worthlessness from him...I would. I would carry all of it for him. I think I became so emotional at the validation of all that Cooper feels and that his feelings are of concern to others besides just Mom. But I also cried out of self pity. In those moments, I felt like a failure. Like somehow, this was my fault. After all, Derrick and I have cried many nights together over the fear of our boys struggling in any way like we did in school. And here we are. He is struggling and his self worth is taking a major hit, it is affecting him HARD. And then I felt like I have pressured Cooper (in my own mind) to be perfect because after all, his brother has required so much extra. Selfishly, I needed Coop to be perfect because I wasn't sure I had the mental or emotional stability to give any additional help in that department. I carry it all (D is about as emotionally supportive as a feral cat...bless his heart, he tries...). Did I do something wrong, God? I actually asked that question. I actually felt like I was bad and the punishment was being taken out on my children. Cody and Cooper are so deserving of all the perfection the world has to offer (as all children do). I hear the skin crawling phrase "As long as he/she is healthy" all too often and that always cuts me so deep. So, if I have children with special needs, differences, health issues, etc. did I get dealt a hand that isn't as worthy as that 'as long as he/she is healthy' child??? No. No, I most certainly did not. And I know those things aren't true. I know it's irrational, crazy thoughts of a worried momma.
I know that I was chosen....chosen for such an extraordinary gift that needed extraordinary care. I know that I am the lucky one.
But that leaves Cooper not feeling so lucky. But, that is all about to change. I have had my pity party and now I am ready for action. We are working on a medication that will give some immediate results on focusing and helping to apply those breaks that he just can't always apply and then that will help in the areas of worry, anxiety and depression. We are working with Dr. Lawson who I feel like is the perfect match for Cooper and he will help us weed through what the medicine doesn't clear up. I will knock this 504 plan out to help Coop get set up in an educational setting that will encourge his success. And then, Coop will see for himself what everyone else sees in him. How wonderfully made he is. How special and awesome he is. How caring and funny and loving he is. And that will make this momma the happiest she could ever be.

Go Team Coop. :)