Time to catch up!

Well, hello, it has definitely been a while! In that case, let's catch up.

I am sure most of you can relate to the word TORNADO. I feel a lot like I'm a tornado. Just sweeping through...out of nowhere...at intense speeds...no real direction. All.over.the.damn.place. Then, I'm exhausted and probably had a Kelli-style temper tantrum and just feel like I have done so much with barely anything to show for it. Quick sand and drowning are words that come to mind.

The fact of the matter is I hate that. I hate that the C's see that. I want to lead them by example (by good example :) ) in all things that I do. You don't have to do everything, but what you do choose to do. DO WELL. Declutter in every sense of the word so that your concentration is specific and then, in turn, you're actually giving MORE. Accomplishing more.

Geez I ramble and get off track easily. I have so much to say here so bear with me.

So, I've been on Mission: Declutter since the end of 2012. It's overwhelming. I wish I could pause time (like Zach Morris in Saved By The Bell) and do the physical decluttering because that takes the longest. I want my space to be clutter free so I am not side tracked as easily and start feeling that dreaded drowning and panic feeling. Let's face it, we don't have enough time to keep up. The house, laundry, dishes, KIDS. So, the physical declutter, I have to accept as an ever on-going part of my life.

This brings me to my reason for blogging. I have a lot to say...about a lot of different things. It isn't about anyone reading it...it is simply release. This is because I am an incredibly passionate and emotional person and I have to get it out somewhere so that I can feel like I am adequately expressing what I'm feeling. That I am feeling it.

I got into my car the other day and from Lowell to Centerton I heard this same song twice... Saying I am a music lover doesn't exactly explain the depths of my relationship with music but it'll do. So, the first few lines in this song really gets me so when I heard it twice in just a matter of minutes it was like, 'Yeah, cool God!' It was this:

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice

Dug my way out, Blood and fire

Bad decisions, That's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down

Mistaken, Always second guessing

Under estimated, Look, I'm still around.

It is just perfect. We are all hard on ourselves. I admit - I am incredibly self conscious and worry deeply not necessarily about what others think of me but just more about am I doing all that I can for the people I love. Those people are family, friends and co-workers. That's a lot of pressure, ya know? But I love them and want to care for and nurture them all. After all, I am a mom. It's what I was created to do.

Back to decluttering. Here is where I am at this moment and who the hell knows how it will look tomorrow.

I work in the staffing industry, a far cry from working for a Non-Profit and saving the world like I had thought or working as a lawyer (because my mom said I liked to argue) or "anything from a laptop so you can be in the beach in Tahiti and still working" like my dad would say. But I love it to pieces. Actually, I will hate it at some point during the week...but that's staffing! I love the rush of helping to change someone's life whether its the consultant or the client. Dude, I like to help people. I get paid to help people find jobs....how cool is that?! I love the diversity of the consultants I put to work. I adore the people I work with. They are an extension of my family. But what I really love is the owner of the company. The Big Toe. I piled in a car with 2 of my co-workers last week and headed to Dallas for a conference with all the producers in the company. I knew it would be a blast. The Big Toe knows how to show his employees a good time and I love that. But, what I also get from that is he is showing his appreciation to us and I'm so grateful for his work hard - play hard mentality. So we are wrapping up our conference and ending it with The Big Toe talking about 2013, etc. he is so damn passionate and obviously that's such a good trait! :) He was talking about how he loves it when his employees are able to buy a car they've always wanted to because they've been so successful, so on and so forth and I sat there tearing up and I couldn't stop. Seeing his passion to provide an opportunity for others to succeed at such a high level and how much satisfaction that brings him...that's powerful. I don't feel like I described that well enough....so let me try again..... His success comes from helping others. He offers up SO much more than he HAS to because he truly believes in our success. I thought back to Cody's iPad. That thing is going to help him so much in school, personally. Because of The Big Toe and the opportunities his company has given to me, I was able to buy that for Cody. Something I have been saving for for a while. It wasn't the car I'd always wanted but it means much more than that to me.

I wanted to walk right up and thank him like I was some groupie and he was a celebrity. Obviously, I am a big fan of this guy and the passion and emotion I can see coursing through his veins. Every time I spend time with him it recharges me on a professional level and even a personal level. Well played Big Toe. Well played. I only hope that I can continue to be an asset to the team and that they can see that I can be a mom and an employee and do both well. So, after this trip I felt recharged, energized to get back on the life organization train so here are where my priorities lie. What I'll likely be blogging about and attempting to keep straight and maybe even that all out accountability word.

Family

This encompasses so much of my entire being.
I want to be a much better mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend. I want to be better for the people I love. I'm not going to sugar coat things here. Derrick and I have had it rough. Two kids, so crazy in "love". Then we brought a baby into the world when we were just babies. And then he was sick. Come on! That's tough stuff. It was designed to make us unbreakable. It truly was a gift from God. Unfortunately, we let the devil into our lives though. Not on purpose, it can just happen so easily. We are trying so hard to reverse those effects. We don't want to forget the trials, we needed them to learn, become stronger and move on.

I can't possibly begin to express how I feel about being a mother. No. How I feel about being the mother of Cody and Cooper. They were perfectly crafted just for me. How can you possibly be a parent without believing in God? These 2 boys are so much more than some scientific accident.... It is the most intense and overwhelming feeling of love. I promise you, I could pick up and move a real live mountain to protect them.
Cooper has been such a joy. He is all boy and loves dirt, tractors, dirt bikes and super heroes. But, he really loves his momma. I love how his eyes light up when he sees me and he runs to me and jumps into my arms. How he likes to randomly be cheek to cheek. He is hilarious and his imagination is so refreshing and his energy is limitless. He is sensitive and wants to please people and make them laugh...similar trait of his momma. He is good (for the most part) to his brother and I hope that with Cooper having Cody as a brother, that Cooper will change the world when it comes to bullying. That he will teach compassion among his peers. Teach equality. That he will simply make the world a better place....because he.is.better. I carry a lot of guilt because I have put so much pressure on Cooper to be 'perfect' because Cody has so much going on. That makes me feel like dirt. So, I am trying to reverse that guilt and understand that it is probably pretty natural. I definitely don't take Coop for granted. He is just so incredibly beautiful. I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to complete our family.
That brings me to Cody. I can hardly contain my emotions when I talk about Cody. I love my children equally. But, also in so many different, infinite ways. Cody has endured more than any innocent child should have to. And let's get real, I was a baby when I had him, so really, we've kind of grown up together. I credit Cody for teaching me how to become a mother.

Sometimes it angers me to a point that I can't explain. Just saying out loud, he doesn't have a single, real...friend. Sure, he has kiddos in his life that are so good to him....but it just isn't the same. He will be entering middle school this fall and he is achingly lonely. That is a pain that as a mother is so incredibly unbearable. Cody is sweet and funny and fun to be around. I just wish that, with all of my being, that I could give him the gift of true friendship. It honestly keeps me awake at night and is why the tears roll down my cheeks when I'm driving to work each morning. On the upside, Cody is doing fantastic in 4th grade! He is beginning to read and he feels so empowered! His handwriting is looking so good and he is starting to draw stick figures and even learning 1-10 addition! I am just so proud and truly in awe of how far he has come. And that is from your continued prayers and his AMAZING teachers, therapists, doctors, Shriners, surgeons.... Thank you is just not adequate. I will never be able to verbalize my gratitude to each of you, praying for him, loving him, healing him, teaching him....it just means everything to me. 

Fast forward - I'm sitting at Arkansas Children's Hospital trying like hell to seriously NOT have a nervous breakdown. This is by far the most emotionally draining thing I have done since Cody was born. We are in a little room for 96 hours while they monitor (by video AND audio so I feel like I'm on Big Brother) his seizure activity and also his CO2 retention to try and get a game plan. Basically, CO2 retention is not good. While sleeping, he can forget to breathe. Well, hello, that is NOT an option. He hovers on the low end of high so it isn't an emergency but can be problematic, for sure. So, here we are.....really struggling to make it through this. Cody is hooked up to a gazillion wires on his head and basically confined to a bed barely getting any sleep, stuck with me.....I am barely sleeping in a chair and I can't even go to the cafe and get food or coffee.....it just stinks. And it just keeps me in tears. Why my sweet baby? But why doesn't even matter. I have to wake up and remind myself sometimes, when I'm feeling low. Why is because God gave him to me to protect and nurture and love. Why is because Cody deserves every chance at an amazing life. Why is because.....thinking back when I was laying on an ultrasound table and the doctors were so amazed to watch him stop rolling and kicking and move out of the way for the amino needle as if he were saying, "I am worth it." Why is because at that moment, I silently vowed to him and God that I was his mother and I would do anything and everything to help him grow and succeed. I wasn't kidding. 

So, here we are once again. Once again in a hospital room, searching for answers. Searching for the puzzle that is Cody and knowing in my heart that the stress and heartache and the time, that it will all be worth it because there is some stone unturned and I fully believe that God wants it turned over. In time though. That it will be so helpful to other families. That it will be so helpful to Cody. Because all of this is for him. I am so excited to get to do the full chromosomal test at the end of 2013.... I think this is our year!! 

Back to the organization train. 

Career.

I pretty much covered this earlier. I love my company. I love my co-workers. I hope to grow with this company that I believe in. It is a major priority for me to focus and continue to do all that I can not only for myself, but also to show the C's how important dedication is and how important doing your best work is. Family and career, that pretty much sums up adulthood, right?

Health - aka - Crossfit.

I feel like I can't even call myself a Crossfitter anymore as life has thrown a few curve balls and I haven't been consistent since the start of 2013 even though that was a major commitment of mine for the new year!! It is tough trying to balance family, career and being able to carve out that time for myself. I absolutely LOVE my box (shutout Crossfit Terra-Firma!!). I appreciate the members. Each of them drive me more than they know. I joined for a couple of super common reasons.

I have had 2 kids. And they were little babies either! Cody was 8'4 and then sweet Cooper was 9'3. I jumped, no....I settled into life and parenting. I couldn't shake the weight. So I bought every single weight loss gimmick you can imagine. Staying up with a baby that never slept will get you watching stupid infomercials at 3am and cause you to believe what they are selling!! The truth is, I was depressed after Cody was born and that made things so much harder. Also, I was never an athletic person so not really knowing how to exercise made me feel stupid and it was better to just hide from it all. I wanted to be fit and learn how to be healthy but I just didn't know where to begin. Luckily, my brother-in-law started doing Crossfit and began to talk about how awesome it was, etc, etc... So I started researching. I spent months googling and reading blogs because I was terrified and I needed some kind of confirmation that I wasn't good enough or fit enough to do it. I needed a reason to hide from it. When I couldn't find a reason, I decided that I was going to jump in head first and do something I had never done before. Do something I was sure I couldn't do. Five months later I'm definitely doing things I never thought I could and learning more and more each day. That includes learning how to change a lifestyle of eating a certain way. Get on the Paleo wagon people!! I am definitely a Crossfitter for life. I enjoy the challenge and being so focused on completion that it is only about me and that hour.  Nothing else matters. 

And for a momma...for me and all that my life entails....I need that kind of intense fear and then satisfaction. :)

I think that only somewhat catches me up on what's new....my challenge is to focus on staying the course. Focus on family, career, Crossfit. It seems so simple....but we all know it isn't. 

Hopefully moving forward I won't be so scatter-brained and will have an update on C1's next journey!

I was here.

-Kelli