ELEVEN!

Wow! Tomorrow, December 17th, 2013, Cody Jensen will turn 11 years old! I guess I don't have to say that time flies. Shoot, I'm saying it anyway, time.flies.

Today, Cody had an appointment with his Neurologist...you know, the one I really don't like. The one that said all those years ago about how she wasn't God and blah, blah, blah. I've learned to tolerate her. Simply because she is a smart woman (well, medically speaking she is) and Cody really loves her so I try to be more like he is and just love the woman. Anyway, while she was giving him a once over, I was so impressed on some of his achievements that he has made since our appointment with her last year. He was getting up on his tippie toes, that folks, has always been impossible for Cody Jensen. He was mature with her. His conversation was mature. His speech is tough and delayed but he was talking with such maturity that it almost knocked me out of my chair. She got him. He got her. I was no longer needed there. Please don't pity me on that! I have gotten down on my knees and prayed, no, I have begged for God to give that gift to Cody. The gift of being heard. The gift of his voice. I did not have to repeat every sentence that he spoke back to her so that she would understand what he was saying. For Cody's entire life I have had to speak for him. I have gotten so used to repeating each sentence just so that A. he was understood and B. so that he didn't have to suffer the embarrassment and frustration of hearing 'Huh?'. I was and still am blown away.

So that brings me to eleven years ago. I know that as a parent, we love to reminisce each year on our child's birthday and I would like to do the same. As much as I cherish that chapter in my life, each year the wound is ripped wide open again and I'm stuck in the middle of this mix of pain and joy. So, I'm inclined to go there and talk about it. I feel like it helps me heal once again but then again it also reminds me on a much deeper level than day to day, what a blessing Cody Jensen is. Plus, I want to be able to share his story with him as he gets older. So, the more I talk about it, the better I can recite every incredible detail.
On this night, eleven years ago my world was obviously about to be rocked. Derrick and I were scheduled for an induction as Cody was due on Christmas Day and with the high risk nature or actually, I would call it more of a big, giant question mark surrounding the birth of our first son, we opted to induce a week early. We knew Cody would have Clubfeet, but according to our amnio, Cody would otherwise be 'normal'. A word I would grow to despise more than any other word in the history of words. Derrick and I felt prepared. I had read everything I could get my hands on regarding Clubfeet and knew the process we would be taking. I felt confident and comfortable.
At 9:04pm on December 17, 2002 Cody Ryan Jensen was born. He weighed 8 pounds, 4 ounces and was just as gorgeous as the sunrise. Praise God, for close to 24 hours Derrick and I (and our amazing family and friends) got to be perfectly oblivious to anything and everything that would come to be. Fast forward to December 19th and well....everything stayed in fast forward. It was like being in the middle of a tornado and there wasn't a dang thing I could do to hold on. I didn't get to bring my baby home from the hospital. Instead, they brought him to me in an incubator and let me touch his little precious fingers before they transported him by ambulance to the NICU in Springdale. We left the hospital with an empty car seat and walked into our home without our son. That moment was so life changing. The doctors had sent us home to drop all of our hospital stuff off while they got Cody transported and setup in the NICU. Derrick grabbed the disposable camera (yeah, it was a decade ago!) and we took a selfie, went to Walmart and had it developed and took it with us. We put it in his crib so that when we went home at night, Cody still had his mom and dad there with him. They also sent me home with a cloth doll to wear inside of my shirt so that my scent would be on it and it would stay with him when I wasn't there, so he was constantly smelling me. They were out of blue dolls so Cody got pink. I still swear to this day that is the reason he loves pink! :)
At three days old he had his first of 11 surgeries and he spent his first Christmas in the NICU. Those first days in the NICU Derrick and I were just learning how to breathe again, and well, teaching us how to become parents on the fast track...on this very, very special track. After Derrick and I passed our overnight test with Cody (staying in the hospital with him) Cody was discharged on New Year's Eve 2002. What a special gift!
The first year of Cody's life was almost literally spent in the hospital between the Shriner's Hospital in St. Louis, the NWAMC - Springdale and ACH Little Rock. It was full of some of the most beautiful moments and yet it was still full of some of the lowest moments in my life. At first, we were so consumed with learning how to handle colostomy bags and cast changes and pressure points and pre and post surgeries that we couldn't concentrate on much else. What seemed like endless nights with your child in hospital rooms and surgeries and iv's and meds is enough to drive a person to a place that is far beyond insanity. And yet, that is where my survival mode for myself and Cody turned into the greatest blessing -- it is where Motherhood began for me. Don't get me wrong, the place, past insanity, left me with scars. It left Derrick with scars. But, it also gave us the gift of who Cody really is to us. This child that gives a part of himself to everyone that can't even be described with the word love. It gave us the gift of being able to see past 'as long as the baby is healthy' and know that without a shadow of a doubt that Cody, with every physical and emotional scar we have endured, that HE has endured, is everything a parent needs in a child. Yes, there are many, many times that my heart shatters at the thought of what he has been through. What he will go through. Some of the things that he may miss out on. But that is stupid. And that is the place, past insanity, that Satan tries to take me to to keep me from seeing the beauty and the gift in all of this.
My world, the entire world, is such a better place with Cody in it. He certainly is a special needs child. In eleven years, he has spread his 'special' to so many people. He doesn't even know it. How his innocence and his genuine love for everyone is so perfect for the dark and the ugly that is trying to consume our world. I guess that is the only sad part, he just doesn't know how wonderfully made he really is and the joy he brings to so, so many people. Thank God for Cody Jensen.

Happy 11th Birthday my sweet, sweet boy. You are something. Keep on keepin' on because you continue to amaze your momma!

I included just a few pictures of Cody as a baby. Gosh, he was so dang cute.

Thirty?

Today is the eve of my 30th birthday...and it's weird. I don't worry about getting older, I really don't. In fact, my mom has always said that every decade older is just better and better. I love that. I embrace that. I always figured that by the time I was in my thirties, I might have things figured out just a little better and might have a little more order to my life. My twenties were a blur really. I was trying to figure out how to be a mother, a wife, start a career....all of which I knew nothing about. So, my twenties were spent learning. A lot. I struggled. I really failed in many ways. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would certainly make a few necessary adjustments. Wouldn't we all?
What I can say about turning 30 is that I feel like I'm in a weird place....like between dimensions or almost on the outside looking in. This morning, the boys and I went to Centerton Inn for some bear cakes (Coop's favorite!) and on the way the Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" song came on. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Cody is 10 and Cooper is 5 - it didn't take long at all. A couple of blinks of an eye and I no longer have little babies crawling around, needing their diapers changed, teething, bottles, learning to walk - I could go on and on. I no longer have a little baby named Cody with casts on his legs and a colostomy bag (that was harder than hell to change!). He was such a pretty baby. Such soft features. I no longer am having my father-in-law swaddle him up because no one does it better. I no longer am sitting with an OT learning how to give baby massages and how to roll up blankets to prevent pressure points from his casts. Nor am I freaking out because I put the boy in the car seat and didn't buckle the car seat in the car and drove to Walmart. That first time momma time. It is glorious and scary and now that I look back, it is down right funny. It is a little sad, but also humorous. The second time around, I felt more scared. I knew how to handle a baby with medical needs. I had no idea what to do with this baby that just was funny from the moment he entered the world. He was huge, the chubbiest cheeks ever. His long hippie hair. Cooper was born so inquisitive, so strong but so sensitive. Cooper was such a good baby for me because he showed me what he needed. I never had to guess. He is still like that today. I'm so thankful for that. He is a breath of fresh air - he stops to smell the flowers so to speak. He loves to live and I love that about him.

It is so strange. I will be thirty on July 21st, 2013 and I have children. Now, I have to pause, close my eyes and think back to Cody and Cooper's 'babyhood'. It doesn't just naturally flow like it used to because memories are so full with boy stuff versus baby stuff. 4-wheelers, school, sports, homework. When and how did that happen?!
We are done (well, most likely) with having children. Although, I could be pregnant a million times over and I could love a million more little Jensen babies....D says he is perfectly content. And I honestly am too. I think my once-in-a-while desire to have another child is simply to relive babyhood over again (and the fact that Cody asks Jesus pretty regularly for a little sister and now Cooper is on the bandwagon). I am overjoyed during pregnancy and the astonishing, amazing, unreal, out-of-this-world reality that I can grow a human being...my body made two people that I cry every time I think about them and how much my heart loves them and that these two people will have an impact on the world....it's miraculous. My twenties were jam packed with a lot of 'life' that I feel like I didn't savor every single breath like I should have. I didn't have maternity pictures. I didn't take enough pictures and videos to be able to go back and really feel  those moments again. To prove that we were here. We were there. That blip in time. In history. That...scares me.That each moving phase of the C's life will be full of so many memories that I might not be able to remember and feel the previous phases as I want to. If I had one wish, it would be able to go back and revisit moments of their lives. Just to be able to go back and rock them and sing to them and gently put them in their crib. Those moments were the very best of them all.
And now I sit back and watch my friends and loved ones beginning to start their journey into parenthood and it makes my heart overflow with this crazy-weird set of emotions. I'm so emotional for them and just pray that they each take every moment, big and small and breathe it in and live it and love it. It won't be like this for long. In a second, you won't be snuggling a snoozing baby on your chest, smelling the sweet baby smell. Instead, you will be standing back, letting them drive their little Razor down to the dairy farmers house all on their own or your 5 year old will dress himself and that will include Cars PJ pants, a white tee shirt like his daddy, camo snow boots and his Superman cape because he honestly believes in Superheroes and he really wanted you to name him Tony Stark because he believes he is a Superhero and you'll tell him he really is. And in those moments you'll let two tears drop. One because you're so proud that they're growing up and you're having the pleasure of a front row seat and the other because just yesterday you were rocking them to sleep.
That is all I will miss of my twenties. The boys' babyhood. I mourn for that. But, I will love my thirties because I will be watching the C's turning into young men. Then my forties....seeing them as men. Wow. And it will all be here before I even know it.
I guess it isn't that weird after all. I suppose my parents and grandparents would laugh because they've felt that and generations before them and so on and so on. I guess that is life and that is parenthood. Beautiful and painful all in one crazy emotion. 

Oh God, I thank you so very, very much for the blessings of living this life and loving these crazy, crazy boys! That is always the most perfect birthday gift.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Lay'n there in bed listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It's gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later 'bout four-thirty
She's crawling in there bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

One day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times you'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the isle
And he'll raise her vale
But right now she up and cry'n
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long

I know you've heard the song, but now is a really good time to stop and listen to it. Go ahead, I provided a link to YouTube. 

http://youtu.be/y5zCaRaJ-kE

Venting...you might want to keep on scrolling.

***DISCLAIMER***
I am hurt. I am frustrated. I.am.tired. I rarely stay up late like this, but my heart is hurting and I just couldn't fall asleep and I know getting this out will help. And....I will likely piss someone off that reads this. I will likely use language that is a tad unlady-like. Sorry in advance. I hate everyone right now. I don't hate YOU, but I do hate everyone....grouped up in this I hate the world cluster. My b.s. limit has reached it's limit and is now spilling over.

I quit my job. Yep...sure did. I quit an awesome job, with awesome co-workers, awesome bosses...just quit it. I did it to become a better mother. I'm real good at kissing my kids goodbye as they scurry off into school and daycare and go to work while someone else teaches them, encourages them...mostly while the world is out there treating them like crap. (I don't just necessarily mean MY children, I mean as a whole...your children likely get treated like crap at some point too) I come home at 6 or 7 in the evening in a stress ball and hurry them up to bed just to do it all over again the next day. I'm not dogging the working mother. Let me tell you, a good mother is a good mother regardless if she works or not. We each do all that we can to provide the best possible life for our babies. There is no denying that. I was in a place where their lives were flashing before my eyes and I just couldn't stand it any longer. A lot of friends and family think it's funny to tease me about my 'retirement' and how I now have all this time on my hands - screw you. Yep. I mean it, too. I'm really tired of us (yeah, all of us...I'm not sitting here typing this from a throne above anyone else) treating us like crap. Hopefully we all read the blog about mom-petition. It's parent-petition really. It seems no one is really there encouraging anyone else, rather just dogging them about their choices. It hurts my feelings when people say that. Oh sure, you're were kidding! Duh. Well, it gets old. It isn't funny and you're the 803rd person to be so funny. Try encouraging me/us. How about you recognize that this is a tough move for me? That I wasn't cut from some Holly Homemaker, Polly Pinterest cookie cutter and will magically have a spotless house, clean children and a 3 course, made-from-scratch dinner on the table every evening. Or here is the best theory yet - butt out and worry about your own.

I also quit my job to be Cody's best friend. Walk with me through this scenario.Don't just read these words, really set up this scenario in your head and then, act it out with your children, please.
You walk into a party. You know some of the people really well, some are acquaintances and a few are complete strangers. Let's face it, chances are you are a tad nervous walking up to the front door. You walk in, there are a few people gathered in the kitchen chatting and a few in the living room and a few outside. No one really greets you although you know they noticed you come in. You walk to the group sitting in the living room and make small talk, everyone stares at you. No one engages your conversation and in fact, they turn and continue talking as if you weren't even there. Then someone comes up to you and scolds you for trying to make conversation. You move to the group in the kitchen, you ask one of the guests if they would like to help you set the table for dinner. Again, stares. At this point, you're getting the stink eye from all of the guests. Again, you're scolded for asking for help setting the table.
Now, imagine this happening every.single.damn.day.of.your.life. Stuck on flipping repeat.

How would you feel? Would you become bitter? How would you begin to react over time?

I don't want this to sound like a pity party. Here is Kelli whining about Cody again. I'm setting this up for all special needs children because they are treated differently. It is the damn truth. And it is far more painful than any of his 11 surgeries. And it is a problem. It is bullying. There isn't anything in this WORLD that I hate more than bullying. We all know the terrible things that bullying causes. Murder. Suicide. Drug use. And the list goes on. I'm here to point it out because I live it and watch it and you don't understand it. And if you aren't talking to your child about it as often as you talk about what to do if a stranger tries to kidnap them then you are doing your child a major injustice. You are doing society an injustice. And, if I come in contact with your child, I will talk to them about it. You may have a perfect child. But I can promise you, you still should be keeping an eye because it is almost natural in this day and age that your child, my child, every child will bully and be bullied.

What I've seen in the last 2 weeks has nearly pushed me over the edge. Cody is expected to change himself to accommodate everyone else. I was asked today if my child had taken his medicine. Really? Because he was hugging on other kids too much. That hurt. Cody is 10. That is simply the amount of years he has been on this Earth. For some stupid reason, people seem to think (which I guess is the first problem...) that because he is 10 and taller and appears to be growing up that he should be 'normal' now. That he should just sit in a corner and look good and act like every other 10 year old. And know to keep his hands to himself, that the little kid in the play area doesn't want another hug. That rubs me in such a terrible way I can't begin to describe with words. Emotionally, he is a young child, 3-5. So, my young child will meet another child that he instantly feels connected with. He wants to hug that child. He wants to repeat over and over again that he wants to have a sleep-over and watch movies and go to Doug/Beau's and milk cows. He wants to shower that person with every ounce of his being. And in return he just wants you to want to do all of that too. And he gets scolded for it. Why should Cody have to be any different than that? He simply wants a friend. What is wrong with Cody? I think he is beautiful. I think he is funny and wonderful and loving. Why don't you see that too? Lord, he isn't perfect and sometimes I want to sit him outside and lock the door to the house....but is your child perfect? Cody is human. Cody has feelings. Cody has a heart as big as the sky. For some reason though....time and time again....the only feelings that count are that of the 'normal' child. The child that is annoyed by this fly that keeps bugging them. Well that fly is my son. My son that didn't ask to be born with a neurological disorder that they don't even know what the hell happened or what it means. He didn't ask to sit on the sidelines of sports games, knowing he can't do it so he acts like he doesn't want to. He didn't ask to have his colon so jacked up that at 10 years old mommy and daddy have to shove a tube through a hole in his stomach and squirt a liquid in there everyday so that he can have explosive poop and then we follow it up with wiping his butt for him. He didn't ask to have such bad sensory issues that he can't wear certain shoes or clothes or that he thinks he is being brutally murdered when you cut his toe nails or if you touch him without his permission. He didn't ask to have clubfeet and not be able to run fast enough to keep up with the other kids playing tag and he just wants you to slow down so he has a chance. He didn't ask to literally wired wrong so that he can't understand that you're "just teasing". He didn't ask to fight for every word that he can read or write. He didn't ask for the stiffness he feels in his body. He didn't ask for the problems he has understanding what you mean when you talk to him or being able to read your body language. Instead, he's the kid getting passed up for birthday parties and sleep overs. His hearing is fine. He hears all the boys in his class planning a big sleep over. He comes home and asks me if he got an invitation. A decade goes by and never one invite. Can you give the poor child a flipping break? He'll pray for you, even if he has never met you. He'll put his hand over his heart and ask Jesus to do whatever he can for you. If he sees a wreck driving down the road, he's talking to Jesus about you. Doesn't his heart count for something deserving of love and friendship in return? Just give him an hour of your time.

I swear to the good Lord above....if you....yes YOU....correct Cody for asking a child to play or trying to form any kind of communication, friendship, etc.....I will tear you apart. If you even UTTER the words, "Cody stop" without telling the other child to park it...... My dad would have beat me if I treated another child the way I see kids treat Cody every single day. He would have beat me if a child asked me to play and I walked around ignoring them or giving them the 'it's the weird kid that talks funny' look. Guess what parents, watch for that stuff and tell your kids to sit their butt down and play. Don't allow them to give the stink eye. Don't allow them to ignore the kid that just wants to play Uno or a slow game of tag. I promise, it won't kill them and chances are they just might have fun. Maybe they won't realize it, but they'll also make a little boy the happiest in the whole world. What if your child came home crying because no one would play with them? What would YOU do if you watched your child get ignored because he/she is different? I'm sure it's happened to your kid before...how badly did it break your heart? How can Cody learn to do a better job of keeping his hands to himself or whatever it may be if he doesn't have kids giving him the chance to learn friendship? Trust me, we work on these things with him everyday. We talk about how to be a good friend. We talk about giving high fives instead of hugs. We talk about space and being in charge. Do YOU talk with YOUR child everyday about how to be a good friend? Are we talking with our kids EVERYDAY about how we treat others? Especially others that may seem different? A little girl that Cody just LOOOOOVES was at McDonald's with her mom. She was playing with a group of kids when the mom noticed that kids were starting to leave her out....so mom goes and asks the kids what's up. The kids say: "We thought she might have a contagious disease like Autism or something." Yes....that happened. This little girl is ridiculously good looking and just as sweet as can be. I'm just asking that as parents we talk to our kids about these things. Even Cooper, who rarely has trouble making friends, will tell me about how he asked someone to play and they were ugly. I honestly think it is the starting point of what the hell has gone wrong in our country.  We all have to be better at teaching our children how to be kind and helpful...

There has been a lot of talk about equality lately. Funny. Equality. Equal. Being treated like you are treated. Cody wants to be treated equally. It just crushes me. It sends me onto the floor in my closet, sobbing uncontrollably.....my entire soul just broken. I'm not ashamed to say that. And it is weekly if not daily. DAILY mom's and dad's. I am sitting here telling you that as the mother of Cody Jensen I sob damn near everyday. How is that fair? How is it fair that I see the pain first hand on my flesh, an extension of my body everyday that it pushes me to the edge? This....this is what I face. This is what Cody faces. This is what I cannot change for Cody. This is what YOU can change for Cody and for millions of other Cody's in the world. Yes, Cody is different. He isn't perfect. He isn't like your child. But, he isn't bad. He is deserving of friendships and play time.

I'm not sitting here saying that Cody has never had good relationships. That isn't true. He has been surrounded with kiddos that have played with him and I can't begin to express how happy that made him in those moments. I'm just saying that those are not-so-common moments.

I'm kind of done venting now. I had to express this and I wish I could be more eloquent about it. It is just so painful. Maybe tomorrow, with very little sleep, I can muster up some rainbows and sunshine.

Time to catch up!

Well, hello, it has definitely been a while! In that case, let's catch up.

I am sure most of you can relate to the word TORNADO. I feel a lot like I'm a tornado. Just sweeping through...out of nowhere...at intense speeds...no real direction. All.over.the.damn.place. Then, I'm exhausted and probably had a Kelli-style temper tantrum and just feel like I have done so much with barely anything to show for it. Quick sand and drowning are words that come to mind.

The fact of the matter is I hate that. I hate that the C's see that. I want to lead them by example (by good example :) ) in all things that I do. You don't have to do everything, but what you do choose to do. DO WELL. Declutter in every sense of the word so that your concentration is specific and then, in turn, you're actually giving MORE. Accomplishing more.

Geez I ramble and get off track easily. I have so much to say here so bear with me.

So, I've been on Mission: Declutter since the end of 2012. It's overwhelming. I wish I could pause time (like Zach Morris in Saved By The Bell) and do the physical decluttering because that takes the longest. I want my space to be clutter free so I am not side tracked as easily and start feeling that dreaded drowning and panic feeling. Let's face it, we don't have enough time to keep up. The house, laundry, dishes, KIDS. So, the physical declutter, I have to accept as an ever on-going part of my life.

This brings me to my reason for blogging. I have a lot to say...about a lot of different things. It isn't about anyone reading it...it is simply release. This is because I am an incredibly passionate and emotional person and I have to get it out somewhere so that I can feel like I am adequately expressing what I'm feeling. That I am feeling it.

I got into my car the other day and from Lowell to Centerton I heard this same song twice... Saying I am a music lover doesn't exactly explain the depths of my relationship with music but it'll do. So, the first few lines in this song really gets me so when I heard it twice in just a matter of minutes it was like, 'Yeah, cool God!' It was this:

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice

Dug my way out, Blood and fire

Bad decisions, That's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down

Mistaken, Always second guessing

Under estimated, Look, I'm still around.

It is just perfect. We are all hard on ourselves. I admit - I am incredibly self conscious and worry deeply not necessarily about what others think of me but just more about am I doing all that I can for the people I love. Those people are family, friends and co-workers. That's a lot of pressure, ya know? But I love them and want to care for and nurture them all. After all, I am a mom. It's what I was created to do.

Back to decluttering. Here is where I am at this moment and who the hell knows how it will look tomorrow.

I work in the staffing industry, a far cry from working for a Non-Profit and saving the world like I had thought or working as a lawyer (because my mom said I liked to argue) or "anything from a laptop so you can be in the beach in Tahiti and still working" like my dad would say. But I love it to pieces. Actually, I will hate it at some point during the week...but that's staffing! I love the rush of helping to change someone's life whether its the consultant or the client. Dude, I like to help people. I get paid to help people find jobs....how cool is that?! I love the diversity of the consultants I put to work. I adore the people I work with. They are an extension of my family. But what I really love is the owner of the company. The Big Toe. I piled in a car with 2 of my co-workers last week and headed to Dallas for a conference with all the producers in the company. I knew it would be a blast. The Big Toe knows how to show his employees a good time and I love that. But, what I also get from that is he is showing his appreciation to us and I'm so grateful for his work hard - play hard mentality. So we are wrapping up our conference and ending it with The Big Toe talking about 2013, etc. he is so damn passionate and obviously that's such a good trait! :) He was talking about how he loves it when his employees are able to buy a car they've always wanted to because they've been so successful, so on and so forth and I sat there tearing up and I couldn't stop. Seeing his passion to provide an opportunity for others to succeed at such a high level and how much satisfaction that brings him...that's powerful. I don't feel like I described that well enough....so let me try again..... His success comes from helping others. He offers up SO much more than he HAS to because he truly believes in our success. I thought back to Cody's iPad. That thing is going to help him so much in school, personally. Because of The Big Toe and the opportunities his company has given to me, I was able to buy that for Cody. Something I have been saving for for a while. It wasn't the car I'd always wanted but it means much more than that to me.

I wanted to walk right up and thank him like I was some groupie and he was a celebrity. Obviously, I am a big fan of this guy and the passion and emotion I can see coursing through his veins. Every time I spend time with him it recharges me on a professional level and even a personal level. Well played Big Toe. Well played. I only hope that I can continue to be an asset to the team and that they can see that I can be a mom and an employee and do both well. So, after this trip I felt recharged, energized to get back on the life organization train so here are where my priorities lie. What I'll likely be blogging about and attempting to keep straight and maybe even that all out accountability word.

Family

This encompasses so much of my entire being.
I want to be a much better mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend. I want to be better for the people I love. I'm not going to sugar coat things here. Derrick and I have had it rough. Two kids, so crazy in "love". Then we brought a baby into the world when we were just babies. And then he was sick. Come on! That's tough stuff. It was designed to make us unbreakable. It truly was a gift from God. Unfortunately, we let the devil into our lives though. Not on purpose, it can just happen so easily. We are trying so hard to reverse those effects. We don't want to forget the trials, we needed them to learn, become stronger and move on.

I can't possibly begin to express how I feel about being a mother. No. How I feel about being the mother of Cody and Cooper. They were perfectly crafted just for me. How can you possibly be a parent without believing in God? These 2 boys are so much more than some scientific accident.... It is the most intense and overwhelming feeling of love. I promise you, I could pick up and move a real live mountain to protect them.
Cooper has been such a joy. He is all boy and loves dirt, tractors, dirt bikes and super heroes. But, he really loves his momma. I love how his eyes light up when he sees me and he runs to me and jumps into my arms. How he likes to randomly be cheek to cheek. He is hilarious and his imagination is so refreshing and his energy is limitless. He is sensitive and wants to please people and make them laugh...similar trait of his momma. He is good (for the most part) to his brother and I hope that with Cooper having Cody as a brother, that Cooper will change the world when it comes to bullying. That he will teach compassion among his peers. Teach equality. That he will simply make the world a better place....because he.is.better. I carry a lot of guilt because I have put so much pressure on Cooper to be 'perfect' because Cody has so much going on. That makes me feel like dirt. So, I am trying to reverse that guilt and understand that it is probably pretty natural. I definitely don't take Coop for granted. He is just so incredibly beautiful. I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to complete our family.
That brings me to Cody. I can hardly contain my emotions when I talk about Cody. I love my children equally. But, also in so many different, infinite ways. Cody has endured more than any innocent child should have to. And let's get real, I was a baby when I had him, so really, we've kind of grown up together. I credit Cody for teaching me how to become a mother.

Sometimes it angers me to a point that I can't explain. Just saying out loud, he doesn't have a single, real...friend. Sure, he has kiddos in his life that are so good to him....but it just isn't the same. He will be entering middle school this fall and he is achingly lonely. That is a pain that as a mother is so incredibly unbearable. Cody is sweet and funny and fun to be around. I just wish that, with all of my being, that I could give him the gift of true friendship. It honestly keeps me awake at night and is why the tears roll down my cheeks when I'm driving to work each morning. On the upside, Cody is doing fantastic in 4th grade! He is beginning to read and he feels so empowered! His handwriting is looking so good and he is starting to draw stick figures and even learning 1-10 addition! I am just so proud and truly in awe of how far he has come. And that is from your continued prayers and his AMAZING teachers, therapists, doctors, Shriners, surgeons.... Thank you is just not adequate. I will never be able to verbalize my gratitude to each of you, praying for him, loving him, healing him, teaching him....it just means everything to me. 

Fast forward - I'm sitting at Arkansas Children's Hospital trying like hell to seriously NOT have a nervous breakdown. This is by far the most emotionally draining thing I have done since Cody was born. We are in a little room for 96 hours while they monitor (by video AND audio so I feel like I'm on Big Brother) his seizure activity and also his CO2 retention to try and get a game plan. Basically, CO2 retention is not good. While sleeping, he can forget to breathe. Well, hello, that is NOT an option. He hovers on the low end of high so it isn't an emergency but can be problematic, for sure. So, here we are.....really struggling to make it through this. Cody is hooked up to a gazillion wires on his head and basically confined to a bed barely getting any sleep, stuck with me.....I am barely sleeping in a chair and I can't even go to the cafe and get food or coffee.....it just stinks. And it just keeps me in tears. Why my sweet baby? But why doesn't even matter. I have to wake up and remind myself sometimes, when I'm feeling low. Why is because God gave him to me to protect and nurture and love. Why is because Cody deserves every chance at an amazing life. Why is because.....thinking back when I was laying on an ultrasound table and the doctors were so amazed to watch him stop rolling and kicking and move out of the way for the amino needle as if he were saying, "I am worth it." Why is because at that moment, I silently vowed to him and God that I was his mother and I would do anything and everything to help him grow and succeed. I wasn't kidding. 

So, here we are once again. Once again in a hospital room, searching for answers. Searching for the puzzle that is Cody and knowing in my heart that the stress and heartache and the time, that it will all be worth it because there is some stone unturned and I fully believe that God wants it turned over. In time though. That it will be so helpful to other families. That it will be so helpful to Cody. Because all of this is for him. I am so excited to get to do the full chromosomal test at the end of 2013.... I think this is our year!! 

Back to the organization train. 

Career.

I pretty much covered this earlier. I love my company. I love my co-workers. I hope to grow with this company that I believe in. It is a major priority for me to focus and continue to do all that I can not only for myself, but also to show the C's how important dedication is and how important doing your best work is. Family and career, that pretty much sums up adulthood, right?

Health - aka - Crossfit.

I feel like I can't even call myself a Crossfitter anymore as life has thrown a few curve balls and I haven't been consistent since the start of 2013 even though that was a major commitment of mine for the new year!! It is tough trying to balance family, career and being able to carve out that time for myself. I absolutely LOVE my box (shutout Crossfit Terra-Firma!!). I appreciate the members. Each of them drive me more than they know. I joined for a couple of super common reasons.

I have had 2 kids. And they were little babies either! Cody was 8'4 and then sweet Cooper was 9'3. I jumped, no....I settled into life and parenting. I couldn't shake the weight. So I bought every single weight loss gimmick you can imagine. Staying up with a baby that never slept will get you watching stupid infomercials at 3am and cause you to believe what they are selling!! The truth is, I was depressed after Cody was born and that made things so much harder. Also, I was never an athletic person so not really knowing how to exercise made me feel stupid and it was better to just hide from it all. I wanted to be fit and learn how to be healthy but I just didn't know where to begin. Luckily, my brother-in-law started doing Crossfit and began to talk about how awesome it was, etc, etc... So I started researching. I spent months googling and reading blogs because I was terrified and I needed some kind of confirmation that I wasn't good enough or fit enough to do it. I needed a reason to hide from it. When I couldn't find a reason, I decided that I was going to jump in head first and do something I had never done before. Do something I was sure I couldn't do. Five months later I'm definitely doing things I never thought I could and learning more and more each day. That includes learning how to change a lifestyle of eating a certain way. Get on the Paleo wagon people!! I am definitely a Crossfitter for life. I enjoy the challenge and being so focused on completion that it is only about me and that hour.  Nothing else matters. 

And for a momma...for me and all that my life entails....I need that kind of intense fear and then satisfaction. :)

I think that only somewhat catches me up on what's new....my challenge is to focus on staying the course. Focus on family, career, Crossfit. It seems so simple....but we all know it isn't. 

Hopefully moving forward I won't be so scatter-brained and will have an update on C1's next journey!

I was here.

-Kelli